Saturday, December 8, 2007

Why can't we eat dogs instead of cows??

I have been up for almost 20 hours. And even though it is nearly 3am, I cannot yet go to bed.

This is because my dumb ass of a dog will not come in the house. I have been trying to lure her inside for the past hour and finally gave up and decided to completely ignore her.
Every five minutes or so she yips and scratches at the door, which means that I must then go open the door ostensibly to let her stupid ass in--at which point she runs away from the door and starts barking while running sideways with occasional mountain goat leaps into the air. I think this must mean "Hey Mommy!!! Come out and play with me in the disgusting slushy and muddy yard!! Pleeeeeeeeez Mommy play pleeeeeeeze!!!!" Which I am not going to do, because it is fucking cold out there in addition to being slushy and muddy. So I am then forced to walk part way into the yard, while hissing "LUNA! GET IN HERE GODDAMIT!!!" which of course doesn't work, so then I switch to my most dulcet, dogcharming tones and say things like "Come here you little shit, get in the goddamn fucking house before Mommy skins you and makes you into a nice pair of fur lined boots!!"

I hate golden retrievers.

It is now officially 3am and she is still out there. Making the most pathetic little whines possible. Which at one point in my life as a mommy could catalpult me out of an absolutely sound sleep. And which now are making me feel really, really murderous while wondering if perhaps the Koreans have something to teach us about dogs as food.

What makes this even more annoying?? She did the same goddamn thing LAST night.
Last night, I let her out at 1:30, which was already late, and she proceeded to elude capture until 2:54am. And last night, it was not raining but it was also less than 20 degrees out there.

I am so afraid that the only reason my neighbors have not yet called the police on me is because they are too busy filming my pathetic efforts and putting it on youtube where Keith Olbermann will see the ridiculous spectacle of a grown woman in an oversized flannel bathrobe trying and failing to outsmart a golden retriever and decide that it is the perfect thing to highlight on his Oddball segment.

Hate dogs. Hate winter. Hate complete lack of dog-parenting skills.

I wonder if anyone will call Dog Protective Services on me if I just leave her the hell out there and go to bed. I'm willing to risk it.


Lonsoleil said...

Take a DEEP BREATH and RELAX, chicky!

I own a Golden, and they LOVE to be in the house warm and snug with their families at night.

There's a reason why your dog won't come in the house, and you need to find out what that reason is! Your dog's behavior is extremely odd. How long has this behavior been going on? Maybe answering that question will help you get down to the root of the cause of the problem.

Or, I dunno . . . maybe I'm wrong and your Golden is just a 'tard????


Nour said...

I have a golden retriever to. I'll tell you what you should do! They ger really Jealous! so when the dog won't come inside take a pillow, or a teddybear or anything and start to cuddle it and keep saying good dog, yes you are...... and go as if you were going to your room and the dog will come following you! If tthat doesn't work then you will have to go play with her with a ball or any thing because they really like to fetch stuff! and then pet her and tell her come while you are infront of the door!